Lupus.
After finally giving up my embargo on learning about Lupus, I am slowly starting to understand why they call it "the disease of 1000 faces." It is a sneaky little jerk-off of a disease. Just when you think you are starting to figure it out, it changes course. Positive tests turn negative. That's good, right? Doesn't matter. Negative tests turn positive. Is that bad? We really can't say at this point. Do you feel better that you finally know why you have been sick all this time... again? No. Not really. I am living with an uncertain disease and that can't ever feel "better." Are you glad they didn't say it was cancer? Here's a shocker... No. I know how to do cancer now. We go way back. I've lived it for so long that I know who to talk to and where to go and what emotions come with it. I know the tests, the doctors, the fears. I know the statistics and the drugs and the prognosis for remission. I don't know Lupus. We just met and so far, I don't like it's attitude. Truth. I actually did not feel as sick as I have felt with Lupus, as I ever did with cancer. Now, I know my cancer was not nearly the harshest cancer out there and I was spared some of the harshest treatments, but unfortunately, I may not get that chance with Lupus and no one can tell me one way or another. You wake up one day and you feel great. You recognize it. You REALLY recognize it. You find the energy to get dressed, put on make-up, blow out your hair. You look pretty. You recognize it. You REALLY notice. You make plans to do all of the things that have been waiting for you from the days before when you got stopped short by the extreme fatigue, fevers, headaches, joint pain, rashes or the like. You make your list and you look forward to the simplest things, like finally getting that bathtub clean. The clean where it shines and you want to get in it for a long bath. You are excited for that coffee with your girlfriend that you have had to reschedule and change from drinks to dinner to lunch to coffee, because you know that is your only sure thing right now - you hope. You commit yourself to walking your dog and you remember it was not too long ago that you were running with him a few miles a day. You wonder how far you will get with just a walk, but you don't care. You are doing it. You take note of the Groupon on your refrigerator for 8 yoga classes and you check the schedule to see if there is a beginner's class today, because you know you can't jump in where you left off back in March. You decide that maybe even that is a bit much for today. You take time to write out your Christmas cards. Yep. You write them. You weren't sure if you'd be able to get through all of them, but you do and you are proud. You used to dread handwriting all those envelopes and, although you think printed labels are impersonal, you just didn't have time to write them all out. That was then. You make time. You pay closer attention to your auditions, your scripts and your performance, because you know you are up against some new things that you didn't have to think about before. You are down 15 lbs., which doesn't always transfer well, commercially. You know this. You are covering rashes on some days with make-up where you would normally just throw on some tinted moisturizer and lip gloss. Your hair is not always the glorious beast you know and love. You have to be on point to overcompensate for these things. You do that. You got it. Your work is getting stronger, because you have started to find a rhythm. You work for an amazing organization that understands you and understands illness, so what could be better? They are supportive and supportive is outstanding. You are happy to be doing something important that you care about and that works.
Ok. So, we will start again tomorrow with a new outlook... a new face.
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